How about a joke of the day

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pete
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Re: How about a joke of the day

Post by pete » Jun 25th, '17, 12:40

A farmer buys a young new rooster as the old one is no longer up to the job as soon as he gets it home the young rooster goes to work and screws all the farmers 200 hens.The farmer is impressed and after lunch the rooster does it all over again.
Next day he's onto all the ducks geese and turkeys, sadly later in the day the farmer finds the young rooster lying on the ground half dead and vultures circling overhead and . The farmer says serves you right you horny bastard.
the rooster opens one eye points up and says SHHHHH They're about to land
AS LONG AS I DONT SEE MY NAME IN THE OBITUARIES IM HAPPY,AND IF A MAN IS BUSY HE DOESN"T HAVE TIME TO DIE

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pete
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Re: How about a joke of the day

Post by pete » Jul 4th, '17, 12:06

Lovely lady of mature years passes away and finds herself outside the pearly gates chatting to saint Peter
While they are talking she hears a horrible scream come from the other side of the gates concerned she asks what was that sound
Oh nothing to be alarmed about just a new arrival having the holes drilled to accept their wings
A bit later another blood curdling scream floats by and more concerned than before she asks what was that
Once again the reply is nothing to be worried about just another new arrival having the hole drilled to accept there Halo
The old girl stands up and says this is not for me I am going to hell
well says saint Pete you do realize you will be raped and sodomized for all of eternity
she replies yes I understand but at least I already have the holes for that
AS LONG AS I DONT SEE MY NAME IN THE OBITUARIES IM HAPPY,AND IF A MAN IS BUSY HE DOESN"T HAVE TIME TO DIE

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Re: How about a joke of the day

Post by chy_farm » Jul 4th, '17, 15:03

Is she optimistic or pessimistic that is the question only she can answer...
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An orchestra can not stand only with contrabass, bassoon, trombone, but does with violin, clarinet and cornet, sometimes accompanied by a tiny triangle.

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Re: How about a joke of the day -words of wisdom

Post by dancbx » Jul 11th, '17, 03:07

I'm so miserable without you, it's like having you here. The wife was not impressed.
LOUD SAWS SAVE LIVES.

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Re: How about a joke of the day

Post by joc » Jul 18th, '17, 20:20

Man nearly killed by chainsaw prank

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QCM5zQJL-LA

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Re: How about a joke of the day

Post by William Greene » Jul 18th, '17, 21:29

:shock:

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Breese
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Re: How about a joke of the day

Post by Breese » Jul 19th, '17, 18:02

This is Real Funny...
It's called the LA Speed Check
SR-71 pilot talking about ground speeds...
I cannot stop laughing!!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lg73GKm7GgI
Growing old is like Moonshine...
Ain't nothing but sunshine that's been cooked down a little bit

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Re: How about a joke of the day

Post by joc » Jul 19th, '17, 19:49

Breese wrote:
Jul 19th, '17, 18:02
This is Real Funny...
It's called the LA Speed Check
SR-71 pilot talking about ground speeds...
I cannot stop laughing!!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lg73GKm7GgI
That was GREAT!

Some years back I got to hear Scott O'Grady speak about being shot down over Bosnia. He was very entertaining also.

His wingman told him about the huge fireball when his plane was hit. He says "Man, I wish I could have seen that!"

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Re: How about a joke of the day

Post by pete » Aug 8th, '17, 11:09

An elderly couple were driving across the country. The wife was driving when she got pulled over by the highway patrol.
The officer said, "Ma'am did you know you were speeding?"
The woman, hard of hearing, turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?" The old man yells, "He says you were speeding!"
The patrolman says, "May I see your license?"
The woman turns to her husband and asks again, "What did he say?" The old man yells, "He wants to see your license!"
The woman gave the officer her license. The patrolman says, "I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I've ever seen."
The woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?" And the old man yells, "He said he knows you!"
--
AS LONG AS I DONT SEE MY NAME IN THE OBITUARIES IM HAPPY,AND IF A MAN IS BUSY HE DOESN"T HAVE TIME TO DIE

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Re: How about a joke of the day

Post by jack-rijn » Aug 8th, '17, 15:59

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
:thumbs:
Always nice to here a old twostroke running

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pete
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Re: How about a joke of the day

Post by pete » Aug 22nd, '17, 13:36

One dark night in the small town of Roselle Park , New Jersey , a fire started inside the local sausage factory. In a blink the building was engulfed in flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.

When the first firefighters appeared on the scene, the sausage company president rushed to the fire chief and said, 'All of our secret sausage recipes are in the vault in the center of the plant. They have to be saved, so I will donate $50,000 to the fire company that brings them out and delivers them to me.'

But the roaring flames held the firefighters off.

Soon more fire departments had to be called in because the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president announced that the offer to extricate the secret recipes was now $100,000!

Suddenly, from up the road, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the fire engine of the nearby Peterstown section of Elizabeth , NJ .

This fire department was composed mainly of Italian firefighters over the age of 65.

To everyone's amazement, the little run-down fire engine, operated by these Italian firefighters, passed fire engines parked outside the plant, and drove straight into the middle of the inferno!

Outside, the other firefighters watched in amazement as the Italian old timers jumped off and began to fight the fire as if they were fighting to save their own lives. Within a short time, the old timers had extinguished the fire and saved the secret recipes.

The grateful sausage company president joyfully announced that for such a superhuman accomplishment, he was raising the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave elderly Italian firefighters.

A TV news crew rushed in after capturing the event on film. The 'on camera' reporter asked the Italian fire chief, 'What are you going to do with all that money?'

'Wella,' said Chief Pasquale De Luccinelli, the 70-year-old fire chief, 'de fursta tinga we gonna do, isza fixa de brakes on dat fockinna truck!!'
AS LONG AS I DONT SEE MY NAME IN THE OBITUARIES IM HAPPY,AND IF A MAN IS BUSY HE DOESN"T HAVE TIME TO DIE

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Re: How about a joke of the day

Post by m2mg » Aug 22nd, '17, 14:07

Good one Pete ! :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

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Re: How about a joke of the day

Post by chy_farm » Aug 23rd, '17, 13:45

:lol: :lol:
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Re: How about a joke of the day

Post by pete » Aug 25th, '17, 12:41

Subject: A sensitive man .....

A woman met a man in a bar. They talked; they connected; they ended up leaving together...

They went to his place and as he showed her around his apartment she noticed that one wall of his bedroom was completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.

There were three shelves in the bedroom with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall !!

It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.

There were small bears all along the bottom shelf; medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf; and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.

She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of teddy bears. She was quite impressed by his sensitive side, but didn't mention this to him.

They shared a bottle of wine and continued talking and, after a while, she found herselfthinking, 'Oh my God !! Maybe, this guy could be the one !! Maybe he could be the future father of my children !!'

She turned to him and kissed him lightly on the lips. He responded warmly. They continued to kiss, the passion built and he romantically lifted her in his arms and carried her into his bedroom, where they ripped off each other's clothes and made hot, steamy love. She was so overwhelmed that she responded with more passion, more creativity, and more heat than she had ever known.

After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they were lying there together in the afterglow. The woman rolled over, gently stroked his chest and asked coyly, 'Well, how was it ??'

The guy gently smiled at her, stroked her cheek, looked deeply into her eyes and said: 'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf
AS LONG AS I DONT SEE MY NAME IN THE OBITUARIES IM HAPPY,AND IF A MAN IS BUSY HE DOESN"T HAVE TIME TO DIE

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pete
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Re: How about a joke of the day

Post by pete » Aug 31st, '17, 11:57

The true story of the Chicken Gun. Too funny not to share! Sometimes it does take a rocket scientist!


Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch standard 4 pound dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the
space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity.



The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.



British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the British engineers.



WHEN THE GUN WAS FIRED, THE ENGINEERS STOOD SHOCKED AS THE CHICKEN HURLED OUT OF THE BARREL, CRASHED INTO THE SHATTERPROOF SHIELD, SMASHED IT TO SMITHEREENS, BLASTED THROUGH THE CONTROL CONSOLE, SNAPPED THE ENGINEER'S BACK-REST IN TWO, AND EMBEDDED ITSELF IN THE BACK WALL OF THE CABIN, LIKE AN ARROW SHOT FROM A BOW.


THE HORRIFIED BRITS SENT NASA THE DISASTROUS RESULTS OF THE EXPERIMENT, ALONG WITH THE DESIGNS OF THE WINDSHIELD AND BEGGED THE U.S SCIENTISTS FOR SUGGESTIONS.



NASA RESPONDED WITH A ONE-LINE MEMO



"DEFROST THE CHICKEN." (TRUE STORY)
AS LONG AS I DONT SEE MY NAME IN THE OBITUARIES IM HAPPY,AND IF A MAN IS BUSY HE DOESN"T HAVE TIME TO DIE

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