How about a joke of the day

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chy_farm
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Re: How about a joke of the day

Post by chy_farm » Nov 2nd, '17, 15:02

:lol: :lol:
ImageMcCulloch 47
An orchestra can not stand only with contrabass, bassoon, trombone, but does with violin, clarinet and cornet, sometimes accompanied by a tiny triangle.

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Re: How about a joke of the day

Post by Magnus » Nov 2nd, '17, 15:10

Ha.
Post your saws in the models library. More saws makes better library!
If you need help to post please ask, I will happily help.

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Re: How about a joke of the day

Post by jack-rijn » Nov 2nd, '17, 18:34

:rofl: :lol:
Always nice to here a old twostroke running

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Re: How about a joke of the day

Post by pete » Nov 14th, '17, 12:05

VERY INTERESTING FACTS ! !
Dead Penguins - I never knew this!


Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in
Antarctica ? Where do they go?

Wonder no more ! ! !
It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.


The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintain a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.

If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into, and buried.

The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:

Description: cid:_com_android_email_attachmentprovider_2_24293_RAW@sec.galaxytab

"Freeze a jolly good fellow."
"Freeze a jolly good fellow."


You really didn't believe that I know anything about penguins, did you?

It's so easy to fool OLD people.

I am sorry, an urge came over me that made me do it!!!

Oh quit whining … I fell for it, too.
AS LONG AS I DONT SEE MY NAME IN THE OBITUARIES IM HAPPY,AND IF A MAN IS BUSY HE DOESN"T HAVE TIME TO DIE

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pete
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Re: How about a joke of the day

Post by pete » Nov 14th, '17, 12:07

: Beware of the Genie

A guy walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
The waitress asks for their orders. The guy says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $18.40 please." The man reaches into his pocket and, without looking, pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the guy and the ostrich come again and the guy says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke."
The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Again the guy reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until one night they enter the restaurant and the waitress asks, "The usual?"
"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad", says the guy.
"Me too," says the ostrich.
The waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $42.62."
Once again the guy pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the guy, "several years ago I was cleaning my attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the guy.
The waitress asks, "But, sir, what's with the ostrich?"
The guy sighs and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say
AS LONG AS I DONT SEE MY NAME IN THE OBITUARIES IM HAPPY,AND IF A MAN IS BUSY HE DOESN"T HAVE TIME TO DIE

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Re: How about a joke of the day

Post by pete » Nov 14th, '17, 12:10

54 Year Old Woman

A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience.. Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?"

God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live." Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck.

She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While
crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had
another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"

(You'll love this)



God replied: "whoops sorry I didn't recognize you !”
AS LONG AS I DONT SEE MY NAME IN THE OBITUARIES IM HAPPY,AND IF A MAN IS BUSY HE DOESN"T HAVE TIME TO DIE

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Re: How about a joke of the day

Post by pete » Nov 14th, '17, 12:17

Found this to be an interesting little read Do you know who this is BIG CHEEKS


Bet you don't know "Big cheeks"


Big cheeks. A grandson of slaves, a boy was born in a poor neighborhood of New Orleans known as the "Back of Town." His father abandoned the family when the child was an infant. His mother became a prostitute and the boy and his sister had to live with their grandmother.


Early in life he proved to be gifted for music and with three other kids he sang
in the streets of New Orleans. His first gains were coins that were thrown to them.


A Jewish family, Karnofsky, who had emigrated from Lithuania to the USA, had pity for the 7-year-old boy and brought him into their home. Initially giving 'work' in the house, to feed this hungry child. There he remained and slept in this Jewish family's home where, for the first time in his life, he was treated with kindness and tenderness.


When he went to bed, Mrs. Karnovsky sang him a Russian lullaby that he would sing with her. Later, he learned to sing and play several Russian and Jewish songs.


Over time, this boy became the adopted son of this family. The Karnofskys gave him money to buy his first musical instrument; as was the custom in the Jewish families.


They sincerely admired his musical talent. Later, when he became a professional musician and composer, he used these Jewish melodies in compositions, such as St. James Infirmary and Go Down Moses.


The little black boy grew up and wrote a book about this Jewish family who had adopted him in 1907. In memory of this family and until the end of his life, he wore a Star of David and said that in this family, he had learned "how to live real life and determination."


You might recognize his name. This little boy was called: Louis "Satchmo" Armstrong.


Louis Armstrong proudly spoke fluent Yiddish! And "Satchmo" is Yiddish for "Big Cheeks"!!!
AS LONG AS I DONT SEE MY NAME IN THE OBITUARIES IM HAPPY,AND IF A MAN IS BUSY HE DOESN"T HAVE TIME TO DIE

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Re: How about a joke of the day

Post by pete » Nov 14th, '17, 12:18

An 85-year-old man was requested by his

Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical

exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take

this jar home and bring back a semen sample

tomorrow.'

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared

at the doctor's office and gave him the jar,

which was as clean and empty as on the

previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man

explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this -- first I tried

with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried

with my left hand, but still nothing.

'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with

her right hand, then with her left, still nothing.

She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in,

then with her teeth out, still nothing.

'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door

and she tried too, first with both hands, then an

armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between

her knees, but still nothing..'

The doctor was shocked!

'You asked your neighbor?'

The old man replied,

'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'
AS LONG AS I DONT SEE MY NAME IN THE OBITUARIES IM HAPPY,AND IF A MAN IS BUSY HE DOESN"T HAVE TIME TO DIE

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Re: How about a joke of the day

Post by pete » Nov 14th, '17, 12:22

Thinking of a second car ? The New 2017 Ford/Renault





Renault and Ford have joined forces to create the perfect small car for women.

Mixing the Renault 'Clio' and the Ford 'Taurus' they have designed the 'Clitaurus'.



It comes in pink, and the average male car thief won't be able to find it - let alone turn it on - even if someone tells him where it is and how to do it.

Rumour has it though, it can be a real bitch to start in the morning!



Some have reported that on cold winter mornings, when you really need it, you can't get it to turn over.

New models are initially fun to own, but very costly to maintain, and horribly expensive to get rid of.

Used models may initially appear to have curb appeal and a low price, but eventually have an increased appetite for fuel, and the curb weight typically increases with age. Manufacturers are baffled as to how the size of the boot increases, but say that the paint may just make it LOOK bigger.

This model is not expected to reach collector status. Most owners find it is best to lease one, and replace when it becomes troublesome. HOW TRUE
AS LONG AS I DONT SEE MY NAME IN THE OBITUARIES IM HAPPY,AND IF A MAN IS BUSY HE DOESN"T HAVE TIME TO DIE

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pete
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Re: How about a joke of the day

Post by pete » Nov 14th, '17, 12:24

A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.

She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'

To her astonishment,the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check. 'There's no charge,' she says.

'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.

'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'


'So, I just switched the heads.'
--
AS LONG AS I DONT SEE MY NAME IN THE OBITUARIES IM HAPPY,AND IF A MAN IS BUSY HE DOESN"T HAVE TIME TO DIE

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Re: How about a joke of the day

Post by pete » Nov 14th, '17, 12:25

Murphy was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the shadows.
'Thirty euros,' she whispers.

Murphy had never been with a hooker before, but decides what the hell, it's only thirty euros. So they hid in the bushes.

They're going 'at it' for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them. It is the Garda.

'What's going on here, people?' asks the cop

'I'm making love to me wife,' Paddy answers sounding annoyed.

'Oh, I'm sorry,' says the cop, 'I didn't know.'

'Well, neidder did I, til ya shined that light in her face!'
AS LONG AS I DONT SEE MY NAME IN THE OBITUARIES IM HAPPY,AND IF A MAN IS BUSY HE DOESN"T HAVE TIME TO DIE

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Re: How about a joke of the day

Post by pete » Nov 14th, '17, 12:28

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the Hume Highway outside Canberra

Nothing was moving,

Suddenly a man knocks on the window

The Driver rolls down the window and asks,

“Whats going on?”

“Terrorists have kidnapped the entire Lower house and the Senate both and they are asking for a $100 Million dollar ransom. Other wise they are going to douse them all in petrol and set them on fire.

We are going car to car, collecting donations”

“How much is everyone giving, on average? the driver asks

The man replies, “roughly 4 litres
AS LONG AS I DONT SEE MY NAME IN THE OBITUARIES IM HAPPY,AND IF A MAN IS BUSY HE DOESN"T HAVE TIME TO DIE

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Re: How about a joke of the day

Post by Johan » Nov 14th, '17, 12:43

:lol: :lol: :lol:

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Re: How about a joke of the day

Post by chy_farm » Nov 14th, '17, 12:48

:lol: :lol: :lol:
ImageMcCulloch 47
An orchestra can not stand only with contrabass, bassoon, trombone, but does with violin, clarinet and cornet, sometimes accompanied by a tiny triangle.

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Re: How about a joke of the day

Post by jack-rijn » Nov 14th, '17, 12:56

not more the 4 ??? :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
Always nice to here a old twostroke running

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